The Meaning of Life Pt.1

I recently met someone who is terrified of not doing anything meaningful in their life. When I asked them what would make them feel like they have accomplished the promised feeling of peacefulness by achieving whatever they think constitutes of Meaningful their reply was: money.

I have heard different, much more profound answers to the same question, e.g. giving and helping others, creating something worth remembering, leaving a mark on history etc. But in my head, oh in my unnecessarily, self over-complicated mind I have began to disagree. 

I used to think when I was younger that I will be happier if I lived somewhere else, had a degree, had a job (which later was upgraded to having a grown-up job), have friends, have these shoes. Fuck, I even thought at one point I will be happier if I had a better profile picture on my social media account (fyi it was a long time ago!). I have spend a very large proportion of my life so far thinking if I somehow get the things I believe would make me happy my life will be meaningful. But I was so wrong, I only had my eye on the goal and it is the journey that is the most important part. I have found that my life is meaningful every single day, every single moment. I do however very rarely feel its meaningfulness, it is a hard work to change your pre-existing perceptions of life in the space of a few months and begin to fully appreciate every single moment.

What makes my life meaningful is the realisation of the value of each little moment and everyone can easily feel that blissfulness too (gosh am beginning to sound like one of those spiritual books that tries to sell you a subscription to rapture). I try to feel my meaningfulness at least once a day (always start small!). The simplest way for me is whenever I am crossing a road, I always always wait for the green light, even if there are no visible cars. Firstly, it relaxes me, I feel at peace because I don't rush myself in that particular moment while I wait for the GO signal. I empty my mind, nothing else exists (no worries, no thoughts) until its time to safely cross the road. Secondly, I feel like it is only fare for drivers, I do not put them in any unnecessary danger by recklessly crossing the road, if I was a driver I would appreciated it if pedestrians thought about the potential harm they could cause to themselves and me if they didn't wait for the green light. 

Another example is whenever I am at university using a computer, once I am finished I make sure I turn off the computer, put the chair neatly in place and clear out all my rubbish. That's something I would like to come in to and that's something I like leaving for the next person. 

I guess you could call this being considerate. Always putting yourself in the opposite person's position. I guess it is a form of empathy.  

These are just very basic examples of how I make my life feel meaningful, it is a very hard feeling to describe but I guess it boils down to being empathetic in every situation, always doing what you would like people to do for you. And in that way you feel constant connection to everyone and everything.

When You Have One Eye on the Goal, You Have Only One Eye on the Path

PS: If you've never seen Monty Python's The Meaning of Life make sure you do (recommended viewing state: high)

What now?

I remember not long ago maybe 7-8 years ago I was feeling optimistic about life, which is a very rare occurrence within well read teenage girls. Hand on my heart I honestly thought reading books and having a different outlook on life will give me an advantage in my "adult" stage of life. Being able to think outside the box and having the ability to see beyond my nose gave me the false sense of security and pride. I knew I was special and I felt ready to handle whatever life throws at me.

Oh God how wrong I was. I am 23 years old and I have no idea what is going on. I feel stressed, depressed and not very well dressed (that was suppose to be funny). All the books I've read just left me with a broken heart and crushed mind. I feel abandoned and lied to.

All those intimate stories in all those old books that no one reads anymore (apart from some hipsters...fuck you hipsters) gave me the illusion that a grand adventure awaits. I guess its human interaction I was most let down by, I honestly thought that if you open up your soul fully you will get the same in return.

But no one seems to hear me and they are all really bad at pretending to listen too. So I have spend my life equipping myself with the wrong tools and now I feel very disadvantaged because I know not how to have a conversation that lacks fire and soul.

But I promise the bluebird in my heart that I won't ever let it go. In order to keep my sanity I will write, as bad as I can, because the madness in my head will never be able to survive in the real world so it needs to go on paper.

If you my friend feel like no one understand the madness in your head please do read Jack London- Martin Eden as it portraits a similar situation.

Really?

It is hard to describe in words what void inside the heart and soul feels like. Someone that I used to know told me that I need to see a professional. It is funny because they didn't say it as a joke. They were being honest. And I told them that I don't need to, because I know that everyone feels that void. Everyone is depressed or anxious as fuck, some are bright enough to see it and they end up being called miserable or hypocrites. But you know what, everyone feels like shit they just chose to bury it deep down under excessive amounts of alcohol or binge clothes shopping. Or whatever.

I will tell you something my friend, everyone pretends they are OK. But they all lie. I am at a point where I am avoiding answering the small chat question "How are you?" or "How was you weekend?". Fuck that shit. You know it deep down in your heart it fucking sucks.

Maybe I am just growing up, but fuck me adult life sucks. We all run around trying to pretend its all happy. And social media does not help at all. We all feel lost, we all have no idea what's going on. Some people say "Just be positive" n shit, but you know what, they are so mesmorised by the images on the screen, by their little ideas that getting a new car, house and shoes will make the void go away. But it won't, nothing can make it better, because its the soul that's rotting.

Dear friend, I am sorry for the shittiest post ever however emotions and thoughts need to be taken out otherwise you might blow up.

I wasted more than a year of my life with someone who kept telling me I should seek a professional. Who told me I was miserable and it wasn't their fault, they didn't mean to hurt me, they just didn't see the world the way I did. They didn't see its shittiness but they also didn't see its beauty. At the end I realised that what matter the most in this life is finding someone (a partner or a friend or both!) that sees the world as you do. Bonnie had her Clyde, Yokko her John Lennon ... moral of the story: Do not change for anyone but find someone just as crazy as you who loves you for your light inside! And if you are like me and think the world is pure shit - find someone who thinks its even shittier!

A secret and a promise

    Recently I've been asking myself :why do I write this blog? I am not trying to be a writer or a journalist. I don't pose a hypothesis or provide any arguments to support a thesis- I just write. The main reason of course is to get off my chest everything that bothers me. If I look deeper, the real reason is because no one cares to hear those things really so I may as well pretend that someone somewhere online cares. Maybe I wouldn't feel the need to write if there was actually someone to whom I could confide all the wrong I see in this world . Education system, political system, social system..... pretty much everything in my opinion is going downhill and no one seems to notice, no one seems to care. And if, once in a blue moon, someone actually speaks out he always seems to be the "minority". Because the majority is taught to keep things to themselves. We are taught not to share, but to keep everything that's of any importance to us- secret. No one cares that you are sad and going through bad time, but everyone cares to see a photo of your new car/house/hat.  And you know what, I don't give a shit about your new hat. I want to hear what makes you sad, what pisses you off. Maybe that way we could genuinely find something in common, something that we can all word towards improving.

    Oh yes, I do not keep it a secret, my life sucks (if I have to base my life on all my facebook friends and celebrities' pages I've liked). I don't go to 5* hotels, Maldives or eat out at a fancy restaurant. GOSH, I can't even upload a photo of me after a hard gym session...
I am one of those people that uses the social media platform to really say what's on my mind NOT to have it as a wall of exclusively happy moments/awesome lunches. I wish people would just stop pretending everything is fine, because it is not and just because I say that the king has no clothes, I am automatically branded as the party pooper.    


    What annoys me is that our society is solely based on individualism and competition. I am mainly talking about the western world (as always, because if you haven't seen the huge difference between western and eastern world than you should just go back to watching Keeping up with the kardashians), somehow the east is still managing to keep a commune (although if you are watching the news the east will be taken over soon).The bad bad west has subdued us into thinking that it is ok to be a selfish asshole so we have turned into a civilisation of cold and cruel beings that do not help each other anymore. The help that some people extend to is donating £5 a month to a charity, which goes down to corrupt channel (again, if you still think that charity money goes to real people in need, go back to watching The World according to paris hilton).


Competition and greed will destroy the planet, no doubt they have already destroyed the western world (which day by day is destroying the east and Africa). You buy a Porsche, however, your neighbour buys a Porsche too, in order for you to "beat" him at "I am richer" game you pay to get your car done up all in gold. But oh wait, next morning your neighbour has gotten his Mercedes all in diamonds. So the "who is richer" game ends up in you and your neighbours bombing each other because you just can't decide who is the better human being. 

    Same shit applies for us, average Joe's, too. "Woo I want the new iphone because my old iphone..... well its just not cool to have a 5 when 6 is out, you know what I mean?". FUCK YOU IPHONE USERS.

    I do not, in any way, try and make myself look better by going for the "rich" people. I am just as shit as them, however, I have taken the first step in acknowledging how bad and poisonous greed is. I am trying everyday to distance myself from this madness, which BTW is much much harder for me since I am a girl and fuck me girls love shopping! I love fancy make up, clothes, shoes.... but it just doesn't seem right anymore. First of all, they are all illusions, I do not need them and my desire for them is been conditioned by society. I have 10 pairs of jeans, 7 pairs of trainers, 4 boots; 8 high heels and make up worth more than £600 quid! WHY? Wow they are all pretty and they make me feel like I have more cool stuff than some of the other girls and by girls being jealous of my cool stuff I end up feeling better? This is what it all boils down to when it comes to items being bough by teen/early 20s females. I really really don't want to be part of that farce anymore! So my options are:

1. Don't buy anymore useless stuff and be excluded from the "cool club" and feel like a black sheep.
2. Buy stuff and be hypocritical.
3. Buy stuff and just don't think about the people who are unable to buy food.

    So this is my secret, I am just as shit as the people I blame for making life a shittier place. I am part of the problem.   

    Western culture has developed a game which we all participate in since our birth, not many think about the game let alone question it. It is hard playing life once you've seen what the "game" is all about. You just end up having to walk the hard, long road of being the change you want to see in the world. So, baby steps for me. I am not going to buy a piece of clothing or make-up that costs more than £20 (this is a biggie for me!; I can't commit to that when it comes to shoes yet...). I have long chosen not to purchase anything from McDonalds or Apple. I avoid Newpapers and TV. I try my best to only buy meat/eggs from butchers and farmers markets. I've stopped shopping from tesco and sainsburys. I eat as much raw vegetables and fruit as my student lifestyle can afford. I am trying and I will keep doing even if I never get to see a change, because doing the right thing regardless is what matters.