Why not.

   I think I started looking at the world differently when I was about 15 years old.

   Ok, I just lied. I thought I was looking at the world differently back then but as it turns out now I think I wasn't actually looking at all. Something less important but still vital for awakening happened to me. I started asking WHY at the age of 15. WHY do I have to dress like that, WHY do I have to listening to this genre of music instead of the other, WHY do I have to know these things you tell me I have to know. This is ,as doctors and scientists describe, puberty. Necessary but nonetheless silly teenage rebellion. My parents thought I was going through a stage of my life where I will be a grumpy, rebellious, silly little girl who eventually I will outgrow.
  
   Have you noticed that during these years where each one of us starts to question the world, authority and all the set rules, EDUCATION becomes more stressful, the material we have to learn (memorise) becomes unnecessarily over-complicated pile of shit. ( Excuse my poor dictionary, clearly I am an illiterate, below averaged IQ-ed,  unqualified bag of neurons who not rather due to preference for simplicity than rather due to absence of complicated vocabulary is unable to express my thoughts and feelings in writing.)

   Anyway, as I was saying: Education comes knocking on your door; all looking bright, promising and safe, just like a Jehovah's witness who speaks in a voice very polite and tells recites you this story:

" Oh, hello there. I hope I am not interrupting you, I saw you were playing outside climbing that tree and looking at the birds, you seemed to be enjoying this very much. I promise I won't take long, just give me 7 or 8 years of your life to tell you why some facts need to be learned in order for you to succeed in life, find a job, wife, house, happiness etc and NOT end up poor, unhappy and stupid."

   And that's when the scare tactics begin, at our confused puberty time. I don't need to go into detail, I know that I was afraid, just like you. One moment I will be enjoying the liberties of life and manage to find out what is most important in life, find out what is pure happiness. (Come on, you are telling me that when you were 12 and you stayed outside till late, with your friends on a warm summer night, it didn't feel like pure happiness?) And you realise during puberty that the way we have made the world work, through our laws and political strategies, we have fucked it up big time! Once you have seen that pure happiness is having friends and being careless, you are suppose to accept the world's view on what happiness is: Work hard all day, all week for 50 years and then retire and do nothing for the hardest and not very pleasant 20 years you have left of your life span?? (Read that one twice). I say: Fuck the world's view on happiness!

   I was never convince by what education and the world were telling me. Throughout puberty and long after onto my "adult" years I kept asking WHY? Why is the world like that and not a better place? It's only a matter of choice, is it not? We create, we are in a way our  own Gods, because we are all-powerful, just look at all the technology we have created! We can stop hunger with a click of our fingers(if we want it to), we can stop all wars and conflicts, we can engage children and pupils to really learn about the world and look outside their windows more often. We are the keys to our own happiness. Not jobs, not money, not big houses, not better cars. These things will only give you the illusion of happiness, and that illusion won't last for very long. You end up getting more and more stuff to satisfy your need for happiness. How do you think consumerism works?!

   In the begging of the post I mentioned that at the age of 15 I wasn't looking yet, but I was on the right path.Today I see. I see the world and most importantly I see through it. I don't ask WHY anymore. I demand WHY NOT.

The stigma on conspiracy theories

   We have all heard a conspiracy theory at least once in our lives. Some of us have heard more than one and others believe in them like religious nuts.
   Where should I start? Fake moon landing, JFK assassination, 9/11, aliens working with the USA government and so on. Those are the ones I believe are very plausible. There goes some more: New World Order, Illuminati, Ancient Knowledge kept secret from the average person, Cancer is caused by the government.

   So many of them which can only mean that at least some of them have to be real. Which ones should we believe in? I strongly disagree they are all fake, some of them are over-exaggerated, however mostly true. I, for one, believe that there is a reason for conspiracy theories. My personal reason to believe in them is that those conspiracy theories help me cope with the world. They are like my romantic fairy tail where the prince shows up in a white horse and tells me I do not suffer from schizophrenia.

   I am not a negative person, I would like to consider myself a very positive and emotional person, however all I see around me and around the world (because hey, I can look further than my nose) is misery, sadness, despair, hunger and more misery. Everyday...all the time. And no, this is not due to my depression, my views on life and the world are solely based on observation and a bit of emotional intelligence, which by the way helps you not to be an ignorant fuck. I see wars, unhappiness, poverty and unfairness. And then I ask myself, am I a human being who has the capability of creating a computer, the internet, airplanes and spaceships (well not particularly ME, but others have done it!) but struggles to abolish poverty and rape around the world? I cannot go on and enjoy a night out as much as my friends, because there are so many things that play tricks on my mind. I keep thinking about that big stake I just ate and in a matter of seconds my mind will travel to the slums of India where children drink muddy water and that will be their dinner. And in that moment I will ask myself, why am I here?; how did I deserve this?; pure luck if you ask me. I don't want to be here, I've had enough steaks, I want to do something with my life, I want to make sure that we change this unfairness. Fuck you luck! Oh and there goes 'You should't let this ruin your nights out or your life, there is nothing you can do about the poor people in India? You can't actually help the poor people in Brazil or even the homeless people in your hometown!... so just go on, close your eyes, enjoy your steak and have a beer.'.

   People have often called me selfish, but a matter of fact is that they are the selfish ones. These people will come back home from work, sit on their couch, have their dinner while watching the news. News showing soft-version of the misery that is happening around the world. I assure you, those people will feel sad, until the news are over. Then they will just move on like nothing has happened. Come on, there must be a reason we are such heartless dicks! Maybe its the 1% Elite that are controlling our minds through our TVs?? What, you've not heard this conspiracy theory?

     Important fact is that there is nothing I can do to help anyone, this is the world I live in. I cannot afford to go and help people in another country, I cannot afford to go and support Occupy Wall Street. I live in a society where I need to climb a staircase towards money and security BEFORE I am free (basically have some money) to go and help people. But do you know what happens once you start climbing the society staircase...you lose your eyes, your mind and your soul... so by the time I can afford some freedom I would have stopped caring.

   So how do conspiracy theories help me cope with the world? In a world where I want to do nothing but help people, just like Holden Caulfield, I am not allowed to. And to me it doesn't make sense. In a world where people are dying from poverty and starvation, I go to my pointless job in a pub to start my shift and poor pints for people and probably end up cleaning their sick of the floor, and this is my everyday life. How does that make sense? How does it make sense that I work in a job that does nothing for no one, just so I can make money, just so I can buy shit I don't need?
   Conspiracy theories help me make sense of it. It's not us as a society that is so fucked up that we do pointless shit everyday for the rest of our lives...it is them. Whoever they are wherever they are. They have enslaved us and they play monopoly with the world. It can't be us, the poor average Joe we are good people, we care...for a short while. It is THEM, the bad guys who control us all. It is them who have enslaved us so badly that we have turned into mindless consumers. Them who will do everything for money. Not us. It has to be them, not us.... right?

Education

   I was playing a game last night with my best friend. I am not going to lie we were pretty high, or as I call it- medicated, because the word high feels like it has a stigma around it so I don't like using it. So, there we were medicated as fuck, 3 in the morning sitting on my couch and....drawing. The game was simple we each asked each other in turn to think about something that has no clear meaning. Such as... Think of Death? And then we had to draw the first thing that poped up in our minds as a picture or a feeling. So as we were playing and it was my turn I thought of the word EDUCATION and all of a sudden this big gloomy looking church with broken down fence and a huge cross on top of a tower just poped up in my head. I EVEN HEARD A BELL. Now, for some people this will mean that cannabis has fucked up my brain, however, I respect my drug and I use my drug; I don't let my drug use me... sooo due to my respect to it I feel like it is giving me something that I can comprehend only when I am medicated. This is not going to be the first time, just imagine a singer or an author who has not been on any drugs and they have created something. Most people do need psychoactive drugs to give themselves a little push that when sober you don't have in order to reach another level of creativity.

   Anyway so why gloomy church popes up in my mind when I think of EDUCATION? Because education is dead, just like religion. It is a brain washing industry and its time has long passed. Education should inspire you to think and never ever tell you what to think. Fortunately I've seen education in two completely different countries. I received my first 12 years of education in a country which is on the edge between second and a third world country. At the moment I am at university in one of the greatest countries The United Kingdom BUT the education as a whole is absolutely the same in both countries. It's all following orders and completing short-memory tasks also called exams. There is no creativity, no inspiration, no individuality. There is NO ME when I step into an exam or when I am writing an essay. Why not? I think I have pretty good ideas, different views on things. When I said that to one of my teachers at uni all she said was that I was not qualified to express my opinion! In an essay I need to reference my opinion and if no one else before me has had that idea or opinion, especially in a published journal, I cannot use it. And then I start to wonder... how did the first person who invented ANYTHING new referenced his idea?

   I do not want to follow into someone else's footsteps I want to create my own path, other people's footsteps had just inspired me. I want you, as a teacher, to inspire me to go on a road where no one else has been so I can do something new. I guess I have always known that I will never be a good student, I can never follow orders and be bound to structures and limits therefore I will have to do it the hard way- my way. Always my way.