No title

   This post has no title. The reason for that is because I have nothing in particular to say. I just felt the urge to sit down and put my thoughts into writing. That is one of the DIY therapies I think helps me keep my sanity.

“When it's in a book I don't think it'll hurt any more ...exist any more. One of the things writing does is wipe things out. Replace them.”  

 Marguerite Duras 

   I have always felt it is the same for me. When I write down the things that are in my head it's like I magically manage to take them out, suck them out of my mind. So they disappear and there is no weight in my skull anymore. My brain feels cleaned so I can replace those heavy thoughts with something more positive, I HOPE! Rarely that is the case. Once I get rid of the thoughts that make my head hurts new ones, usually heavier, appear.

    The brain, my non-existing friend, is a very strange thing. I still haven't made up my mind of what it's purpose is or why we have the brain we have. Recently I had the misfortune of experiencing the dysfunction of my brain. Long story short I was smoking Cannabis while taking Fluoxetine (anti-depressant) and one day while being under the sweet influence of the best drug ever I started experiencing some of the worst and most uncommon side effects of one of the worst drugs ever. I don't know if you have ever read the "Possible Side Effects" part of any of the drugs you have at home, but believe me when I say this....it is scary. Anyway, here is a list of the side effects I experienced from the Fluoxetine.

• insomnia
• fatigue*
• anxiety*
• restlessness*
• feeling tense*
• confusion*
• rapid and irregular heartbeat sensation*
• feeling detached from yourself*
• strange thinking*
• cold sweat*
• panic attacks*

   The little * means I got all the side effects at once! I guess the best way to describe what happened to me is that I felt I was losing my mind. I thought "That's it I am done!". My personality, my thoughts, basically who I was inside, was going to disappear. I was going to be left only a non responsive, but still functional body. An empty moving shell. I have never been more scared in my life, I was losing touch with reality. This horrible experience lasted almost two days. I still experience some of the side effects. The worst ones are the anxiety and confusion. I was working one day, two weeks ago or so, and all of a sudden my brain just went blank. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know who I was..... I didn't know WHAT I was. Fortunately it didn't last long, managed to get home fast, take Diazepan and connect to myself again. Sometimes I would still look at my hands or arms and wonder...who is this? The best way to describe it is that I would feel I am watching a film, I am a spectator comfortably sitting and watching how SOMEONE controls the arms and feet I've always thought I had control of. Or I would feel I am dreaming, this is not the reality I am used to.

   Anyway, I just had the urge to write down my experience for my own sake. Let's hope the thoughts about it will go away from my head and I will make room for better ones.